GureiTama
by EATnRunBandit
Summary: DGMxGintama: From cooking to cleaning to finding your lost cat, the Yorozuya will do anything to earn money in a world where samurais are long forgotten. Luckily, Gintoki found another hand to help him in his chaotic freelancing business.
1. Lesson 1

"The Country of the Samurai". It's been a while since the country, Edo, was called that. Twenty years ago, suddenly from space, came the _Amanto_ and a sword ban that caused a samurai extinction. Samurais once daydreamed while looking into the Edo sky. Now, foreign ships fly through the sky instead.

**{LESSON 1}**

**Introductions are hell to write**

"Sakata-san, you really are a troublesome patient," said the doctor to the silver-haired man lying on the bed. "I have specifically directed you over and over again to eat sweets only once a week and just like a child to his mother, you disobey my wise teachings. If you don't cease this nonsense at once, you will-

-Hey! Are you even listening to me!?"

Gintoki turned a page of his Shonen Jump issue and mumbled to himself. "Ah, SJ, you really are my holy bible. Dattebayo."

The doctor snatched the manga magazine out of man's hands and slapped the silver haired samurai's head with it. Gintoki, in desperation, reached out his hands to grab it back but a group of big nurses rushed into the room, latched onto his limbs and tied him to the bed with straps.

"Sensei, would you mind giving back my Shonen Jump?" he said, calmly staring at the doctor with his 'dead fish eyes'. "It only comes once a week you know. Also, why am I tied to the bed? Is this some kind of a bondage party?"

The doctor smiled in a way that Gintoki did not like so much, and tied the upper portion of his arm with a rubbery string from his magical toolkit box. Gintoki sweated in nervousness.

"S-Sensei," he stuttered. "You're not doing what I think you're doing...are you?"

"Why Sakata-san, I am doing exactly what you think I'm doing," the doctor replied as he took out a large serum. "Both you and I know that you are in danger of getting diabetes." He attached a needle to the serum. "And therefore as your doctor, I will have to check to see whether or not your sugar levels are on a normal level. Now please do not blame me. This is, after all, your fault for ignoring my advice."

"W-wait a minute, I just realized that I need to go to the bathroom. Now if you'll excuse me..."

Gintoki tried to get up but was forced back down by the nurses, who closed in onto his upper forearm with a needle. He could swear that the thing was enormous. It was even bigger than his manhood!

The doctor's creepy smile widened. "I recommend you close your eyes Sakata-san," he advised. "I will need to collect quite the amount of blood from you."

Sakata Gintoki's scream was quite the horror film shriek; echoing past the blood extraction all the way to the moment Shinpachi and Kagura came to visit their bed-ridden friend.

"Gin-chan, are you afraid of shots? Should I hold your hand?" asked the Yato girl chewing on a strip of sukonbu.

"Gin-san, you can stop screaming," Shinpachi said while plugging his ears. "The blood extraction is over. The doctor said you can go as soon as the dizziness fades away."

Gintoki got up from his bed and rubbed his head, feeling contempt because his friends weren't being very supportive. "Damn it. I shouldn't have eaten all that cake last week."

"What's past is past Gin-san. We'll just remember not to go sugar binging after we find out that the news weather girl has a new boyfriend."

"Shut up Shinpachi!" Gintoki yelled. "I was only eating sugar because I craved it, not because of some stupid woman."

"Right..." Shinpachi rolled his eyes, knowing all about Gintoki's crush on Ketsuno Ana, the weather girl. "Anyways Gin-san, if you keep this up, you might get diabetes."

Kagura eagerly listening to the conversation, nodded in agreement while snacking on her sukonbu. "That's right Gin-chan! You should stop eating sweets! You can get cavities!"

"And you stop eating that disgusting shit! If you eat too much of it, you'll turn into a giant strip of sukonbu!"

"Really!? That's awesome!"

Both Gintoki and Shinpachi were going to rebuke the pathetic excuse of a Jump heroine for eating that stinky junk 24/7, but a shout from the hospital room had interrupted them, revealing someone struggling in the hands of the big nurses.

"I told you already! I was born like this! There's nothing wrong with me! Please let me go! "

"Sorry sir, but you seem to be ailing of a serious illness," said the doctor who came in to check up on his newest victim, I mean patient. "Rest in this bed while we take a diagnosis."

"I already told you! I'm perfectly healthy! Why aren't you listening to me!?"

Gintoki, Shinpachi and Kagura both looked on curiously as an old man was strapped down to the bed by the nurses, similar to the fashion that Gintoki had experienced. Gintoki, still delirious from the blood test, disliked the racket from the other side of the room and asked a nearby nurse of the happening.

"Hey onee-san, what's going on over there? The noise is giving me an even bigger headache than when that old hag pesters me about the damn rent."

"Oh, that poor old man is suffering from white-washing and a bacterial infection in his left arm. The doctor is even thinking about amputating it."

"Hm...poor old fart...alright let's go Shinpachi, Kagura," he platonically said. "It's time to go back. I want to play some Pachinko."

"And I want to eat lunch!" Kagura yelled out enthusiastically.

"But you just ate ten minutes ago!" Shinpachi yelled out in disgust. "If you keep this up, we'll be broke!"

"But we are broke."

--

Betaed by **_IChangedMyPenName_**, who by the way is the awesomest person. She copes with my idiocy so well...she came from heaven i swear. XD

**Suggestion Box**

If you guys have any suggestions or requests for this fanfic, please message me. I'm open to any ideas.

BTW, did this suck? I'm not very sure...please critique.


	2. Lesson 2

Dear Authoress of this Gintama wannabe rip-off fan fiction,

What the hell are you doing?! You're totally ruining Gin-chan's totally cool personality! In the first Lesson, you made him sound like a total wimp! And what's up with your characterization of the other characters? It is so OOC. You're giving Gintama and the God of Comedy Hideaki Sorachi-san a bad name. If you don't wish to be hurt, I suggest you stop this stupid fan fiction at once.

Sincerely,

Gintoki's Number One Fan/Wife

P.S. Gin-chan! I heart you!

--

Ari In~

Dear Gintoki's Number One Fan/Wife,

Please ignore the hellish introduction aka First Lesson to this fan fiction. I was young. I was naïve. I was very foolish like a little kid who'd prefer that expensive remote control kid-sized car displayed in the toy store window over his mother's love—who offered a nice shiny red ball instead because the other toy was too expensive.

In the future, I will try my best to make this story as canon as possible.

Sincerely,

EATnRunBandit

P.S. I think you would get hurt if you strut around claiming yourself to be Sakata Gintoki's wife. You might be blitzed by crazed Gintoki fans such as yourself.

--

**{LESSON 2}**

**Ghosts aren't the only ones you see when you see dead people.**

The footsteps creaked on the wooden floor—back and forth, back and forth.

Creak, creak, creak.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.

And one certain couch potato reading Jump, cracked with increasing annoyance. "Shut up, Shinpachi!" Gintoki yelled out. "Are you trying to dig a ditch with your feet, huh?!"

"That's right, aru," said the pink haired girl who squatted herself in front of the television. "The TV's not coming out because of you, so if you keep on walking like that, I'll beat you up."

Shinpachi pushed his glasses up his nose bridge and furrowed his eyebrows. "Stop lying around like old men!" he shouted. "Aren't you the least bit worried that we didn't get customers all day?!"

The Yorozuya boss scratched the scalp of his permed silver hair and yawned. "Don't fret your underwear in a bunch. It's not like we get customers everyday. One's bound to show up sooner or later."

"Gin-chan, I don't think Shinpachi even wears underwear," Kagura snickered.

"I do so!" And more creaking ensued; the squeaking noises decreasing further away from the two.

Gintoki sat up on the couch with a lazy groan. "Pattsan, where are you going?"

"Down to Otose-san's snack bar to borrow some cleaning supplies. Lately this place has been a dump and someone has to clean it you know."

"Ah, that's perfect timing," the man replied. "It seems someone just took a big dump over there," he said with his finger pointing at a corner.

All three stared on as Sadaharu barked in relief.

Red veins welled up the bespectacled teen's eyes. "Sadaharu! Not over there!" He pinched his nose. "It stinks!" He turned towards the Yato girl. "Kagura-chan! He's your responsibility! Didn't you tell him to do his business outside?!"

"It's not Sadaharu's fault," she retorted back, her nose also pinched. "He wouldn't have done the Number Two inside if you took him out for his walk."

"Do you think I'm some kind of maid?!"

The samurai covered his face with his sleeve while waving the other arm in the air. "Alright, just stop fighting already. If someone doesn't clean it up soon, the office is going to stink like the men's public bathroom. It'll take forever to air out."

"Exactly," agreed Kagura. "Clean it up, Useless Shinpachi."

"He's your dog you know!"

She shrugged. "But Sadaharu wants you to clean it up."

The angry teen threw his hands in the air. "How do you know that?! Did Sadaharu tell you that?! Can you even speak dog?!"

The sound of liquid splashing against a surface echoed through Shinpachi's ears.

"No! Sadaharu! Number One and Number Two?!"

"Bark!"

Shinpachi couldn't stand this anymore. He had such lazy slash eccentric co-workers who wouldn't clean up their own mess and a dog who did his business wherever he pleased. Did he always have to do the work himself?

Gintoki stood up. "There's no helping it, I'll come along with you Shinpachi."

The glasses looked up at the tall man. "Gin-san…" he said in awe.

The man quickened his pace towards the front door. "This place stinks like shit. I think I'm going to puke." He created gagging noises from his throat as he swiftly slid open the door. "Ah," he said in relief, "fresh air at last!"

The four eyes kicked the man in the back of his curly head. "Give back my three seconds of respect, you moron!"

With a sudden gasp, Gintoki lost his balance and fell forward to the ground flat on his face. "What's your damn problem?!" he yelled out as he rubbed his bruised forehead. "Is this how you treat your almighty boss? If I were any other boss, you'd be fired by now." He stared at Shinpachi, who had the nerve not to answer him back. "Oi, Shinpachi. Hello? Anyone home in that little noggin of yours? Moshi moshi~"

Shinpachi looked down at the terrace flooring, looking very…dead.

"I was kidding. I would never fire you," Gintoki clarified with an awkward smile slash worried frown. "Don't worry. The Yorozuya wouldn't be the Yorozuya without a four eyes."

"…"

"Oi, Pattsan, what's wrong?" He looked at the boy's eyes. It seemed blank and without life. "You've got to be kidding me. You're playing a joke, right?" he said. "You've looked like you've seen a ghost," he then stuttered. "What? You're going to say…'I see dead people' now? Huh, are you? Haha. Very funny. If you're trying to scare me, it's not working," he said unconvincingly. Feeling uncomfortable, Gintoki shifted his body and sat up.

Hm…that's funny. He never remembered the terrace being this plushy before. Did that old hag renovate the flooring?

He straightened his elbow and laid his hand on the flooring, supporting his stressed body on it.

Hm…he never knew flooring could feel this hairy. Was it some kind of new design? Some people had no taste.

Gintoki tilted down to look at this new bizarre tiling, but felt his blood froze, for the growing suspicions growing like sprouts inside his brain were now unable to be suppressed by his conscious any longer. He knew what it was. Screw the hairy tiling. There was no such thing as that; there never was.

What he _was_ sitting on was not the terrace tiles, but a body—his hand putting pressure into a head. A person's head. An old person's white head?

His brown eyes narrowed into slits as he gazed at the redness splotched all over his palm.

Huh? Red? Red? Red?! What is this?

He awkwardly smiled.

It must be paint. Or maybe cranberry juice. Yeah, yeah…that must be it.

Shinpachi finally stuttered. "C-C-Cranberry juice…right?"

"R-Right. Cranberry juice. Or paint," the other suggested.

"Yup. It could be paint too."

"…" "…"

The samurai slowly got off the body and on his feet, edging away from the curious object. Grimacing, he nudged the body with the edge of his boot. Limp-like, the body turned over and slumped with a hollow sound echoing after.

Shinpachi gulped.

Gintoki gulped.

White eyeballs with a face covered in a strange red substance stared back at them.

D-D-D-Dead person…

Dead person.

"We see a dead person!"

--

To the readers who thought that the first letter in the beginning of the chapter was real,

I shall bonk you on the head with a Justaway.

Bonk.

Thus leading to a request of requests. If there is anyone at all that would like to give me a question, ask away in my PM (Please PM, nothing else. Email is fine too) and I shall answer them one by one per chapter. (The above letter was just an example) Maybe two if it doesn't take up space. Please make them relevant questions to the story. Suggestions are also open.

If you direct it to one of the characters, that is fine also. Breaking the third wall is one of Gintama's many charms.

(By the way, I promise a long chapter next time and a speedier update. By the Third Lesson, the "The Fifth Yorozuya member Arc" will be finished and other DGM characters will be introduced. If it is not 7,000 words or over, I shall commit seppuku.)

SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU. SEPPUKU.

Ari Out~


End file.
